Your site isn't truly terrible if the content is still readable. Here's how to fix that:

Clutter your document with sections blocks of bold, italic, all caps, and colored text. If it's still possible for a user to pick out a useful piece of information, add more emphasis.

Delete any tables that would prevent your content from spilling all over the browser window like spaghetti. Newspapers and books are designed with narrow text columns to make them easy to read; a terrible web site should not be.

Distract and annoy users with blinking text and animated graphics.

Force users to read long documents in courier fonts, sans serif fonts, or any font not designed for a computer monitor.

People have been reading text in black ink on white paper for thousands of years. If you do that on the web, how will anyone know how special you are?

Bump text right up against table borders, background shading, or graphics to save space.

Even if they can't read it online, they can still print it. Don't be fooled by this tactic.

Place content in tables set to a large pixel width (well over 600 pixels) so that every printed line is cut off at the right margin.

Even some of the latest browsers don't print CSS formatting accurately (try printing this page, for instance). If you use enough CSS, the content may print, but it will look different enough to at least be confusing.

Use DHTML to create complex formatting that can't be printed at all.

If a user hasn't waited at least ten seconds for your site to load, it's not slow enough. Some tips:

Fill your site with large or unnecessary graphics to make pages slower to download.

Just because they've downloaded it doesn't mean they can see it. Use gratuitous nested tables to make pages slower to display.

Design elaborate Flash movies that users have to wait for or click through to get to your content.

Use frames to take your slow pages to the next level by forcing users to load multiple slow pages at once.

Nothing soaks up time like making users load Java to display an applet that does nothing useful.

If users can tell where they are, they might leave. Not to worry, you can make sure they'll never find their way out:

Never identify your organization or department on any web page other than your home page.

Make sure that there is no way to identify the relationship between the current web page and any other page on your site that a user might foolishly have visited.

Delete any potentially useful links to your home page, your organization home page, a search engine, or a site index. Bonus: you can use the resulting space for more slow graphics.

The last thing we want users to obtain is useful information about our products or services. Keep the following in mind:

Consider the interests and background knowledge of your audience in selecting category labels that are as obscure as possible. Then, change the category names frequently in different areas of your site.

For each product or service, there should be at least three different links that purport to provide detailed information but actually lead to impenetrable marketing blurbs.

You probably remember parallel structure from high school English. Just make sure it has no place on your web site.

Make sure readers have to scroll through endless documents to find what they want; they'll usually get lost in the process, too. If your entire web site can be published in one gargantuan page, so much the better.

There's no point in telling users that content doesn't exist yet until they've downloaded at least one more web page saying that an area is under construction.

The best search engine is a broken search engine. However, even if yours happens to work, you can make the search results less useful by deleting meta data such as titles, descriptions, or keywords from your web pages.

Beware: tables of contents, site outlines, and site indexes can short-circuit all your efforts at the last moment.

After all, you know how to use a word processor. Just remember what Mom always said: "talent isn't everything, dear."

Beware of branding. If your images, colors, typography, and layout consistently reflect the identity and values of your organization, someone might figure out whose web site it is. Worse yet, they might come back.

All of your users could use some alphabet soup. Use Flash to create endless movies showing nothing but drifting bits of text and lines.

An intuitive web interface should contain a mixture of links that use mouseover highlights, links that look almost like Windows buttons, links that are cleverly concealed as plain text, and some of those old-fashioned blue underlined ones.

Design grids went out with the Bauhaus. Make sure that no two content blocks line up, no two gaps are the same size, and no two lines have the same line weight.

"White space" and "wasted space" start with the same letter. Coincidence? I think not.

When choosing colors, it helps to use a color wheel. Juxtapose hues from opposite sides of the wheel for your most subtle effects.

When was the last time you saw a fire truck painted in pastels? If your colors aren't saturated, users might be distracted into reading your content.

Select commercial photographs, available on CD-ROM, rather than pictures from your actual organization. Users will appreciate the warmth that pictures of improbably attractive and politically correct actors bring to your web site.

If it doesn't have drop shadows, it's not a professional graphic.

The web browser is a user's best friend in navigating a terrible web site. Fortunately, this basic tool is laughably easy to foil.

The otherwise useful meta tag can become your ally; use it to redirect users as soon as they hit an outdated page so that they can't use the Back button to return.

Sneak in a new browser window every once in a while to confuse beginning users.

Use frames to make it impossible to bookmark your content and to lead users into unusable nested framesets.

Use Flash to design navigation interfaces that make the Back button useless by always skipping back to the main menu or, better yet, to an introductory movie.

Create JavaScript scripts designed to break in old browsers and display endless error messages.

Use CSS to change the properties of standard HTML elements to the point where your site is completely illegible in older browsers.

Design dynamically generated pages to expire from cache so that users can only move forward (toward the cash register).

Even if your site is completely illegible, users with disabilities might still find it useful. For example, sight impaired users employ browsers and software that read web content aloud. But a determined web developer can foil them too.

Embed critical text in images without using ALT text to make the text available to those who can't see your graphics.

Create image maps -- preferably server side image maps -- without a corresponding set of text options.

Using a WYSIWYG web editor, you can quickly lay out tables of bizarre complexity so that when content is converted, it is jumbled behond comprehension.